The truth..

I hate this feeling.
Rase loser. Loser sangat2..

Ya allah, bencinya perasaan camni..
Like kau tak terdaya nak buat pape..

I hate myself..

I can't do anything about it.
Erghh!!!! :(
Bencinye bencinyee..

I want to make it special.
But dia jauh.. Jauh sangat2..
Jauh dari fizikal.. Jauh dari hati.. Jauh dari perasaan..
Tak tahu what kind of feeling..

Aku ingat aku mampu jadi kejam.
But sumpah aku tak terdaya..
Aku tak daye.. :'(
ya allah.. bencinya perasaan ni..

What can i do about it..?

Aku nak tulis. nk tulis semua kat sini..
But aku takut..
Takut satu hari terbongkar lagi mcm hari tu.
Yang ni pun aku x tahu bertahan sampai bila.
One day dia akan tahu jugk blog ni.
I'm dying.. Totally dying inside..
Tak tahu nak luah mcm mane, nk luah cara ape..

Dear blog..

Aku x tahu..
Aku x tahu ape jenis permainan yg kitorg main.
Sekejap ok, sekejap tak.
Sekejap berlawak, skejap berdendam.
Aku x tahu ape yg die nak sbenarnye..

Sometimes aku rase mcm aku bercinte dgn org lain.
Bukan org yg same.
Mcm bukan org yg aku kenal.
And everyday aku telan bnde tu.
Aku telan kenyataan tu.
Ingat dulu siang malam aku mnangis sbb aku cube fhamkan die.

Somehow aku cube fhamkan diri aku yg keadaan kat sane yg buat die jd lain.
Mybe sume pressure kat sane yg bagi die brubah, jenis x nk fikir bnde lain.
X nak fikir bnde yg serabut. I understand that.

But... Why..
Sometimes..smpai aku rase aku dah x diperlukan?
Mcm aku just.. disimpan? Gune apebile diperlukan...?
Or.. dah stuck terlalu lama smpai perasaan tu jd ksian kat aku..?

Am i right...?

Somehow.. aku rase nak lepas die..
Lepaskan die pd ape yg die nak..
Lpas die pd kawan2 die yg die sayang dunia akhirat sgt tu..
Cause aku byk makan hati..
Sumpah. No one. No other girl in this world sanggup duduk tempat aku hadap sume tu.

Aku byk makan hati.. Byk telan semua..
And terlalu byk hati aku sakit.
And i'm alone. Trying to pick up all the pieces back.
Hopefully dia akan berubah mcm dulu balik.
Be someone he used to be..

Somehow aku rase nak pergi depan die, nak menangis, nk pukul dia.
"asking why kau berubah tahap mcm ni."
Ape salah aku smpai kau nak hukum aku mcm ni..



On another side..
Another part of myself saying..
He's just trying to have fun with his friends.
Tak kan lah aku nak jadi gf yg x boleh nak bagi kbebasan lgsung.
Like x kan nk bagi die duduk bilik cam batu je.
Let him be.. Dia tahu jage diri..
Trust him..
Don't overthinking..
He will come back soon to u..
Like he used to be..




There, i have two side of me..
The other one is suffering, and the other one is the coolest.


And everytime bnde ni dtg, this two side ni also dtg.
Lagi buat fikiran aku kacau..

And i'm here..
Sitting here like a fool..
And trusting him with all the broken feelings..
And i dont know i shoud trust him or not..




Unfortunately.. i still trust him..
Even he telling me lies..
I trust him with all the foolest i can give..


Because... i'm afraid to handle the truth..