Will u?

Hye blog...

Lately ni aku ade sedikit kecelaruan. Berperang dengan emosi sendiri. Hamboi ayat~
Macam mane aku nak terangkan eh.. Hmmm..

Okay camni.. I believe, every girls in this world ade masalah dgn bf sendiri.
Even sayang mcm mane pun, mesti at least ade something yang die x suke dengan bf die. Am i right?
Well, currently aku dalam situation yang macam tu.

There's a certain thing aku x suka dengan die.
Bukan nak burukkan die. I love him so much..
But sometimes, perangai die berubah2 into something yang aku x suke.
I know people changed.
But do u ever think that "the changes" will hurt the people who loves u? Will hurt people around u?

Aku x tahu nak luah mcm mane..
Kalau nak luah kat die pun aku tahu die akan menjawab.
Seribu alasan die akan bagi. Its like tu bukan die yang sebenarnye.
Sebab from what i know, die jenis x suke orang yang bagi alasan. And now?? Sendiri yg mcm tu.

I guess aku luah everything kat sini jelah..
At least kurang sikit rase sakit hati aku ni. Its not the best way untuk luah semua kat sini.
But i have nobody..
Since bende ni pulak pasal die. And dgn perangai die yang totally akan backup diri sendiri.
Tah la...
Aku nak jujur dengan die, but perangai die tu mmbuatkan aku jadi giveup nak luah bnde ni.
Mcm better telan sume ni sorang daripade ckp dgn org yg tak boleh terime and refuse utk brubah.

I'm sorry.. Aku bukan nk burukkan die.. I'm trying to get us back like we used to..
But u never realize how much u changed.

One of the thing yang die berubah is,
Currently ni die sangat2 panas baran. Aku x tahu kenape die boleh brubah mcm tu.
Aku actually perasan die jadi baran since die masuk uitm tu.
Maybe because of his classmate yang mengade2 or whatever. Most of them perempuan pulak.
And some of people pulak ade yang jenis pijak kepale la, x responsible lah. Mcm2 lah.
I understand if benda2 tu yang buat die jadi baran. Maybe dah biase.
Just when it comes to someone that u love, will u be like that too?
Aku pernah kene tengking dgn die. And bcause of that, aku jadi x boleh terime knape die mcm tu.
Aku hampir nak pergi. Aku just rase that time aku berckp dgn sape?
Sape mamat ni?? He's not the same person i used to know. He's not my bf.
I mean, aku ni ape? Am i just same like ur friends too?
Terlalu banyak perubahan die.
And sometimes, aku sndiri jadi takut dgn die. Do u know how it feels? Du u know how sad it is?
Feeling aku ni dah xde perasaan sayang or love. Just perasaan takut dgn die.
Too much afraid of him.

Aku selalu terfikir2 satu bnde ni......  I dont know why..
Satu hari nanti, will u hit me?
If i'm married to him one day, die akan pukul aku ke?
I'm just too afraid of it.. I'm afraid of him...

There's one thing aku x beritahu die.
Aku pernah termimpi.
I see him and myself dalam satu rumah tu.
Kat ruang tamu.
I see myself lying on the floor..
Dengan die that time tengah pegang leher baju aku.
And i see him yelling and scolding at me, and i see myself menangis merayu x dipukul.
I can't hear what his talking about. Aku x dengar ape yg die marah and menjerit mase tu.
I just keep hearing myself merayu and menangis mintak x dipukul....
And waktu tu die tampar2 aku and tolak2 kepala.
I see myself menangis, dengan rambut serabai ditunding jari, dengan muka yg takut.

And i'm just standing there watching all those scene.
U know how afraid i am? Macam x boleh terima ape yang aku tgk mase tu.

When aku terjage, aku still ingat mimpi tu and doubt about it.
Aku byk terfikir kenape aku boleh mimpi mcm tu.
Some people said, once u terlalu fikirkan satu bende tu, die akan termasuk2 dlm mimpi.
I keep in mind bnde tu.
Maybe yes, aku terlalu fikirkan bnde tu smpai termasuk2 dalam mimpi.

But ape yang aku fikirkan? Perasaan takut dengan die.
Bukan cinta, bukan sayang. Just takut.
Thats why mind aku boleh create mimpi mcm tu.

To him:
Aku x nak kau berubah.. Please jadi mcm dulu balik..
I dont know u anymore.. Dengan perangai baran kau tu.
Kau tak mcm ni dulu.. Ingat how used to be so annoying dulu?
Even i hate it, i still like it..
I know u have a bad temper, but dont drag me along..
I'm not one of ur friend. Kawan kau some of them just nk myusahkan kau. I'm not.
Aku dah jaga kau baik2. Dah berubah perangai.
Can u be nice to me.....?
Suka ke tengok aku makan hati dgn perangai kau?
All i did was to make u happy..
X kisah berapa spend duit aku. 
Even duit aku habis utk kau pun, nevermind, i will work. 
I sacrifice everything for u... 
But.... can u be nice to me? Thats all i wanted.. 
Please... I dont want to be afraid with someone that i love..